Do miracle happen?

Dead.

Hello World.

Bad days is ending very soon. I know i am going to be alright very soon. I am healing very well. Healing all the pain i'm going through. I am getting over everything. And live my life normally again. I have always been alone so it's alright if nobody wants me. I'll be just fine. I don't need anybody to light up my days cause i have me and myself. I am not going to let myself fall anymore. Cause nothing last forever. And humans change so fast. Never believe any promises. Cause promises are meant to be broken. ";) yet i am here still missing you D. I know i'll get over you very soon. Yes, i will. I'll throw away all the memories we had. If you could move on easily and live without me i coud too. Seeing you happy makes me broken into pieces.......

Dying inside. :')

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Pretending.

Hello D.

You promise to travel the world with me. You promise to walk down the street with me. You promise to never leaves me. You promise to never get tired of me. But eventually things happened. You knew i was afraid of losing you. Yet, you let me lose you after you giving me everything you had. After making me tell myself it's okay to love again. I am still thinking what goes wrong. I put all the blame on myself. And still keep some hope for us. But no. I am not going to chase you. I shall sit here and wait and wait and wait. Cause if we're meant to be we will. Pretending is never easy. Staying strong is getting even harder. Telling myself to be okay is not easy. Moving on is never easy too. I am here missing you so badly. Telling everyone i am okay. While deep down here i felt so miserable. #pleasebesafewhereeveryouareD

Till we meet again. ;')

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Day 1. Miserable.

Hello D.

Here i am again for another post. It's only 17 hours of not texting you yet I felt so miserable. ;') I left with no choice but to endure with this. Serve me right for being overly attached to you all this while. I tried pretend not to care but i keep thinking of you. It's just so weird not texting you. You're my daily routine. It's like im taking a knife put it through my heart. I need you so badly now. I want to text you so badly. Call you so badly. But no. I can't. I cannot keep going back to someone who doesn't need me. Who doesn't love me. It's hard to accept the truth fact but i have to right? It's alright at least i know where i stand now.

Two days ago you make me so happy by you calling me "girlfriend". You don't know how happy i were. I told the whole world about it. Yes, the whole world. It was one of the best night ever. I went to sleep with a very big smile. I didn't want the night to end. Silly.

Tell me how can i not get so attracted or attached to you? You never fail to put the smile on my face. I fallen for you even deeper that night. Until yesterday, you broke this heart again. You stab me with a knife. The knife went through deep inside this heart. I cried so much under the blanket and nobody was there to console me. I keep asking myself why. Why did i let myself into this situation again. Why did i let myself get hurt again. Nah, I don't blame you for all. It was all my fault. I was putting too much high hopes. I went too fast. I should have chill myself. It's just that what is it so hard for you to love me? Knowing the person i am in love with aren't sure about his feelings for me was really sucks. Or even not even sure if he's actually stay because he's pity for me. It's so hurting D. I felt miserable. I felt like I didn't meant anything to you all this while. While one moment you say I am a part of your life another moment you say you love me another moment you say you are not or even ready to love anyone. Why D why? ;') You have always been a place where I share everything with. But now who can i share with? Who else can i cry to? No. I am not giving up on us. Never. I am just taking a step back. Cause i finally realise my stand in your life 😭💔

You don't know how much i wish to text you right now. Share with you one good news. How i would it was all a dream yesterday night. And upon typing this i am listening to the song you ask me to hear. "Fall For You" I literally burst into tears. Why. Why is this happening to me? Why am I not as lucky as other girls? I have always been the unlucky one. The one nobody would love. Right now all I need is your hug. Your sweet nice words. Your forehead kisses sayang. 😭 And i want you to tell me it's alright things would get better for me. ;') I need you Muhammad Dzahir Bin Baharudin! 💔

Till next time. Sampah. Xoxo.

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Happiness.

Hello D.

It has been years since i last blogged. But today, i decided to make this blog specially for you D. I sure by now you know i love typing or giving you long messages right? So here for you. Oh this site going to be only for you and me. No one else ok? :)

Do you know the feeling of afraid? (you gonna answer no for sure) LOL. I am so afraid of losing everyone around me. Do you know i am so fear of? Rejections and being alone. A loner scared of being alone. Funny? Maybe. The day i decided to give you my heart and time is when the day you say this.

I am not sure why but you make me start to have interest in you over that. Silly? I know right. Ever since that day i stop looking or even contacting other guys. I know this sound cliche but really no kidding. Yes, they do still text, call, fb message and all but i keep avoiding ignoring. Feeling starts to grow. I start to miss you. Heart still to yearn for you.

Do you remember our first date? It was so improtu. We did plan for a lunch date. Our actual planned was me accompany you during your lunch break. But you ended up ditch work and slept till 12 in the afternoon. But you still insist to bring me out for lunch. I couldn't forget how nervous i was! I was like having butterflies in the stomach. I was like would you still like me after seeing me? LOL. But to my surprise our date went very well. When the moment i saw you upon tapping out all the butterflies in the stomach disappeared! I got so comfortable with how you approach me and talk to me. I was thinking "Oh this guy is not bad" HAHAHA. Eventhough it was just a few hour date i really love it. And i didn't know you were so "gentleman". And what surprise me more when you wanted to take a selfie with me! Why you so cute one? Alahai! :')

Our first argument was the day i asked you who am i to you. Remember? At that point of time i was still contacting with some of my ex date and some guys. You wasn't happy. And i remembered clearly you said "I don't contact my ex nor my ex date" Do you know upon hearing that i felt so bad and quickly deleted each and everyone number? LOL. Like literally deleted them all from my life. You remembered that one night. We were having a conversation about why am i so interested in you? Then we ended with argument. And that was the very first time i cried for you. My heart was so hurt. It's so painful than a slap on my face. When you actually said i was just " A gdfren that you love and care for". I literally broke down. My heart beat so fast. I could feel the break on it. Maybe because at that point of time i already have high expectation. I was hoping for something.

But you quickly amend thing. You ended up saying "Let's just be like some other couples". The heart was still hurt but i told myself it's alright maybe you have your own reason why. Thing keeps going. Our "relationship" were all well. Till you became so busy with F1 event. But you still makes time for me. Oh have i ever tell you what do i actually mean by you treating me so well? If no, let me tell you now. Whenever we met you would forever ensure i had so much fun. You ensure we spend the day together. You ensure i am happy at the end of every date. You do things nobody else would. And you have never throw any vulgar words to me. You speak so nicely. Sometimes it's just me. You have never "Kau and aku" with me. NEVER. You accepted me the way i am. You have never ever look down on me. Or even bring me down. Now you tell me how can i not fall for you this deep? Where can i find someone like you? You have always make the effort to make things work. With your messages, voice notes and call (sometimes). Just read back the conversation during the F1 event period. Hais. Too sweet la you! :')

You saw that? You actually apologies for not having time for me. ;') But now... where have all the gone to? Where have the sweet D gone to? Why suddenly it like only me making the effort? I even have to begged you for your time. Why D why? Have you lost interest in me? I know you're tired with work. You're stress with work but don't do this to me. Where's the promises you make? Those sweet promises? I just need you to be yourself. I don't want you to changed. It's just so sad seeing you like this. Every single night i go to sleep thinking what's gonna happen to us. Thinking if you still love me like you do or no. So depressing you know! urghh. I am not ready to lose you. I am not ready to give up on something i just started. It's even depressing when i have to save a "relationship" which doesn't even sure. Why? People around us see us as a normal couple. Normal sweet couple. When the actual facts is only you and me knows. Can you please stop changing and give me back my D? My abangmisai? The abangmisai who makes the effort to text me ask me about how's my day, ask me if i am alright, ask me to share things with him. And never fail to tell me how much he loves me.... :"( I miss you so badly. Words couldn't describe love.